Finding Source In An Outsourced World
In the religious world I grew up in, there were so many rules about how to live a pious or holy life. Looking back, it feels a lot like what I imagine 1950s America to have been. There were proper ways of doing things, like boys shouldn’t have hair that touched their ears and girls needed to wear knee-length skirts. We shouldn’t listen to secular music, and then the big one: TV and movies. Those were essentially off-limits.
I remember hearing all sorts of conversations about this, mostly about how watching too much TV would melt your brain. People even called it the “idiot box.” Yet, like good Baptists, I’m pretty sure everyone drank in private, and I know for sure that they all watched TV in private.
The challenge of growing up in a cultish sort of space is that you needed to maintain appearances while following along with a very top-down culture. It wasn’t just about hiding your TV watching. It was that things like how to be a good parent, what to do about your finances, and even how to vote were guided by a “pastor” type whose authority mostly came from being a kind of niche-recognized influencer. Their voice, even if no one in your community had ever met them, became the guiding voice. Your life and what you may have wanted became outsourced to following these rules.
Growing up in the 1990s (and for anyone before that) meant we were part of a monoculture. We had limited sources of media that shaped our view of the world. We only watched a few channels because that’s all we had. We listened to what was on the radio because we didn’t have unlimited access to a music library. We read the same newspapers and magazines. There was always someone at a TV network or radio station deciding what we would watch or listen to—a curator of our media. And for the most part, we all watched, read, and listened to the same things.
My kids are growing up in a very different world. There isn’t a monoculture anymore. There is such a wide variety of influencers, media, and music. On top of that, there is constant arguing about what kind of media deserves our attention. The noise can drown us until we lose a sense of ourselves and simply agree with whatever is being shown to us.
So how do you locate your own center of being? Or put another way, how do you find your source in an outsourced world?
Fight, Flight, or Freeze
In somatic work, we recognize how we respond to conflict. There are three (and sometimes four) primary responses at play at any given time. If we consider the daily tsunami of media, and the heaviness, grief, and confusion it creates in our world, we might see how we engage it through our natural tendencies to fight, flee, or freeze.
The energy of fight is one of coming against. These people typically wake up each day with an awareness of their own internal energy and how it meets the world. The fight energy brings anger that allows them to engage. In Enneagram language, this often aligns with the body types. Their “fight” may look like confrontation, judgment, or taking a different action that feels right to them.
The energy of flight is more about withdrawal. It’s associated with the head types. These people move away from conflict out of fear, either by physically leaving, mentally detaching, or creating future plans that help them stay ahead of discomfort. Their ability to stay ahead of conflict can be remarkable.
The energy of freeze looks something like the angel and demon on a cartoon character’s shoulders. These people are hyper-aware of connection and disconnection. Their engagement with conflict depends heavily on how they think others will respond. This energy is associated with the heart types. They often try to meet others’ needs, encourage, or keep the peace. They might even concede because they don’t feel they have their own way to engage. Often driven by shame, they hold on to connection because it helps form their sense of identity.
The More You Know
If you grew up in the ‘90s, you might remember those Saturday morning “The More You Know” public service announcements — short, colorful reminders that learning something new could change the way you see the world.
Finding our source works the same way. It starts with attention.
We can walk in and out of stores all day without noticing much, but when a Salvation Army bell rings at the holidays, it cuts through the noise. It calls our attention back. We need practices like that — small, consistent bells that help us wake up and remember ourselves.
Three Practices for Reconnection
Because we each engage conflict differently, we also engage quiet differently. To reconnect with our source, we need practices that meet us where we are.
If you’re a Body/Anger type, your work is stillness. You live in motion; finding your center begins by slowing down enough to stop.
If you’re a Head/Fear type, your work is silence. Your mind hums with activity; presence begins when you listen long enough for the noise to settle.
If you’re a Heart/Shame type, your work is solitude. You form identity through connection; your healing begins by being alone long enough to find yourself again.
These practices aren’t escapes. They’re doorways — simple, embodied ways of returning to the source within you.
Doing the Work
The point of soul work is to live from your own integrity — to become someone who acts from within rather than reacting to what’s outside.
As one of my teachers in spiritual direction training once said:
“You can only walk with someone as far in their life as you’ve been willing to walk in your own.”
That’s true of every coach, counselor, and companion — and it’s true of all of us.
Most of the people I work with come because they’re at a crossroads — navigating crisis, transition, or simply seeking steadier ground. Whatever the reason, the truth remains:
You can’t outsource this work.
To experience your life, you have to live it.
To find your source, you have to turn toward it — again and again.